If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
