My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Let's get the cat blown out
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
