wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
