I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
