After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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