i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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