Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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