my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
