I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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