if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
