I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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