I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
