You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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