I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
