I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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