Me too!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
