If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
