ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
