Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
BRING THE BAGELS
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
