you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
