Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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