We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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