he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
