Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
