and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
