Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize