Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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