the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Everything about him screamed your future.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
did i just pee glitter
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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