We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
