I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize