If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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