The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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