There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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