I wish my penis had an off switch
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
