Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
