my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
