I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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