the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
