Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
