They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
