he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
