Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
