Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
