found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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