This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
