Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
