youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize