i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
