Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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