I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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