True but thats because hes a fetus.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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