girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
