1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
