she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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