Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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