Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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