wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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