Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
