I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
