im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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